I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
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Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist