I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Greeting humans vs their dogs
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for