Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story