I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Terribly Tuesday.
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot