Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

certified hallow’s eve classic

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute