If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.