I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Pat is about to own someone
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.