I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Basketball
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
screw you
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second