I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me when I’m ovulating
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.