Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

🤨

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.