I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Some of y’all tomorrow …
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My blood type is coffee.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“The Perfect Relationship”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
When you let grandma cat sit
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.