I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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Hotels are back
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
🤯🤯🤯
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.