Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

This is me

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Lmfaoooooo

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Real bees work best

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.