Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.