Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess