I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My flabber has been gasted.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
