Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs