Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.