Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.