I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’