I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting