Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”