I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Whoa 😂
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.