I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.