I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
No laws when master is gone
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.