I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
🙅🏻
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.