Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!