Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.