I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You Might Also Like
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.