I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
He’s cranky this morning
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*