Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

i now pronounce you bounced.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.