Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that