I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I want this so bad
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined