I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My work here is don’t.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*