Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

the three branches of government