I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Nose
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager