I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
#Caturday
This kid is a star!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside