Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

#Caturday

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys