“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
motivation
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.