I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
a public service announcement
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.