I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
look scared
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”