I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:![]()
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro