I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
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Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it