Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!