Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hank is one in a melon.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

I love the honesty

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*