Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

how long have you had this for?

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.