I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok