‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.