Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.