‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming