Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.