Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better