I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.