Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.

🫡

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.