Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

🤣

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.