I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.