Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Me if I was a dog

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

🤣😈🤣

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself