I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.