i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
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5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Um … Hot Wings please
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”