I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
cyclists
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.