I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Mission: Impossible
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Boom, boom, ching!
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”