I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Kermit goes Blue.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle