Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now