I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The absolute effort that went into this omg
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
