“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
This probably isn’t good
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.