“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?