I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Straight people are cancelled
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.