Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer