I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.