I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
He’s cranky this morning
lost dog
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.