Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*