Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

can’t bark with your mouth full

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok