I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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Maybe vet鈥檚 office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn鈥檛 even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Police officer is visiting my kid鈥檚 school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
You can鈥檛 fix everything, you鈥檙e not a giant asteroid.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella鈥檚 shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (馃ズ): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 馃槧 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I鈥檓 excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I鈥檓 sorry but I love this one 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
