I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
is it earth
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok