I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
🗽
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.